My Mamamorphosis- My Birth Story

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” ~Maya Angelou

This is the story of my mamamorphosis, the birth of my son, and where Mindful Birth® were born. This story has been hard for me to tell because it is wrapped up with the most traumatic experience of my life… my husband leaving me at 39 weeks pregnant.

My hope is that no one has to ever experience the abandonment I felt during my pregnancy.  I pray that pregnant women feel cared for, loved, and supported by their partners who never CHOOSE to walk out on their moms-to-be at 39 weeks pregnant like I was!!

I was left to do it all ALONE!  I was left to do it without a partner, my spouse, & my very BEST FRIEND that made vows to me only 18 months beforehand.

June 1, 2017- The day I will never forget! I woke up excited that I made it to June, my expected due month and when my baby boy would be arriving! I even stopped to take a picture at work because I was so elated that he would soon be here! The night prior I had expressed my feelings to my husband on how we should be preparing for our son’s birth. I left that conversation feeling connected and on track. I felt heard and supported. After all, feeling supported by your partner is truly what every woman needs during this time.

 Instead- I came home from work that day and my whole world was crushed, my dreams of having a happy, loving family, & loving father to love my son- was gone! It was like the rug was pulled from under me and I fell to rock bottom with no preparation for what had hit me!

 He told me that he was unfaithful and "fizzled" out of love with me a long time ago, and that he could not be the father to my son. I asked what our future now looked like because no matter what- he was still the father- he said “I wasn't in it!”

At that moment I was given labels that I had never even dreamed of. A divorced woman, a single mother, I was left with a house and mortgage to take care of, a puppy we had just bought during earlier months of my pregnancy, and on my own to face this new world with a newborn. HOW?! WHY?! How did this happen!?

 As you can imagine read this, I had a lot of work to do ahead of me before the arrival of my little one. There really weren't any other options for me other than to be stronger and fight like hell for my baby and I!

 I worried about the stress this all put on my baby inside me, growing with life, about to come at any moment- which my care provider was worried would come sooner than later due to the stress placed on me. I had additional ultrasounds, blood work and tests ran to make sure I was safe and that I didn't develop any diseases from his extra-curricular activities. God only knows if he was being safe & mentioned having more than one encounter!

Instead of giving up- I continued my practice with Hypnobirthing tracks, practiced a fear release script where I was able to visualize my birth scene and was able to see my baby and i successfully breastfeeding. I went on to do this for 7 months after and saw this moment in our nursery back in our house in PA. I went to acupuncture to clear my energy and focus back to myself and baby and be able to bring peace, calm and serenity back in. I saw a spiritual healer who helped me understand more of my situation and how to go about handling it and myself around my now ex-husband. I did EFT tapping to rid the trapped negative energy. I saw a mindfulness coach for organizing my thoughts and setting goals to better track my life and the direction I needed to go with a newborn. I stayed busy and kept the focus away from the pain, the focus then shifted to be only on me and my baby and going into my birthing with the intention to continue to attempt a natural-unmedicated birth.

My friends and family played a huge role in my healing process.  They constantly were calling or coming over to check on me.  My closest girlfriends helped put my house in order and get rid of my ex's things so that I didn't have to, or even see it once I arrived back to PA. I found a lawyer and took control of our divorce, which was a process in itself due to baby still not being born and much was put on hold until his arrival.  My family/friends were and are my rock! They were amazing during this time!!

All of this happened before the birth of Gavin, and within a 3-week span of time before his arrival.

On the day of my baby's coming to me- I knew it, I felt it, I sensed it. I was ready! I went home that day after going to acupuncture feeling like I needed to lay down. I had family throwing out plans to come to the pool or go for a walk, but I declined and decided on this day, I was just going to go home and lay on the couch and rest!

While watching one of my faves- "Friends" I felt a sensation, like a cramp you get during your period, but nothing to bother with...15 minutes later, another one, 15 minutes later, it came again. I started to track them, but made note that this was early labor and that I had a long time still before I would actually give birth. I stayed distracted by going to dinner & getting a smoothie with my dad. We then took Frisco for a walk. Along the way I had surges, and allowed them to come and go, used my breath like I had practiced all of my pregnancy while walking with Frisco and listening to my birth affirmation recordings. I knew I was still far from the birth because my surges were now only 8-11 minutes apart. But now it was night time, and time to "try" and sleep. It was no easy task- let me just tell you!

I couldn't get comfortable laying down on either side and would get a shooting pain in my back, and by this time my sister doula came to join me through the night, to make me feel supported and loved. She knew it was important to be there and how much it meant for us to be together on this journey considering now too I had lost my partner. However, I didn’t want to disturb her sleep, because it was just as important for her to rest up for me later in labor as well.  I knew that I had to get comfortable in some way so I could “try” to sleep.

My surges had shifted to every 6 minutes apart, but I couldn't get comfortable laying down, so I found a spot on the arm of the couch and laid my head on the cushion. The 6 minutes, felt like half hours to me, I was able to find a way to drift in and out of a comfortable sleep between my surges. I had full awareness during the surges and focused on my breath through them and focus to channel as best I could down to my baby. I then would drift back to sleep right after.

By morning, I was exhausted. My mom and midwife at Avalon, sister doula, & I made the decision that I was going to make my way to the hospital so I could labor in the tub to rest. The ride there sucked! Jen made a wrong turn at the hospital and sent us over several speed bumps. To this date I still get mad over it, haha.

At the hospital I used everything I could in my favor to stay comfortable. I would give my surges the attention with going inward and used my practice with deepening my breath as much as I could through each surge. I stayed moving by walking the halls, got in and out of the shower, on/off the toilet, sat on the birth ball, as well as getting in and out of the tub for rest breaks.

I was certainly gassed and had moments of doubt along the way, I had the support from my sister to push me through these moments of doubt as well as the looks of the room to keep me at peace in mind to keep moving forward with my decision to refrain from an epidural. I knew it was there and at only 7 cm I knew that I still had some time to put in and effort during the final act of pushing. Her encouragement and energy kept me positive to keep going! She lit the room with LED lights/candles, birth affirmations that reminded me of my strength and courage to do what I was doing, my favorite scents of lavender diffusing in the air, and soft acoustic music that I picked out was playing constant in the background.

Wonder Woman had just come at this time too and it was my motto and favorite thing to feel like Wonder Woman during this time, completely fearless and unstoppable! I wore a Wonder Woman crown during my labor as well as a chain around my neck to remind me of her strength as well as mine to keep pushing forward!

“It is not about what we deserve. It is about what we believe.” ~Wonder Woman

I got in and out of the tub a few times, which gave me the rest breaks I needed in order to keep going. At one point my surges slowed to 15 minutes where Jen guided me with a progressive relaxation technique and facial relaxation where I actually started snoring at 8.5 cm in the tub at one point. My body was giving me a natural rest break for my final act of pushing. Throughout my later part of labor, Gavin had some minor complications during the labor due to his umbilical cord being around his shoulder and neck. This had caused his heart rate to drop during surges, which then caused concern to the care providers. They gave a small dose of pitocin to help with more productive surges at this time to get me to fully. When I was pronounced fully only a short duration later, I felt the urge to push and was able to meet my baby after about 30 minutes.

I remember holding Gavin in my arms and turning to my sister, Jen and saying "that was f*cking awesome!!!" I was elated to meet my baby and was in utter disbelief that I did it!! I was and am empowered by my birth experience. Going through it made me think “I was strong enough to do that…I CAN DO ANYTHING!” What I discovered in this experience is that I was stronger than I ever knew, and it was in there all along. "You've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself" Glinda, The Good Witch.

On that day, in that moment, is where Mindful Birth® was born. My passion and purpose is to help women learn and trust their intuition, as I did. I want to help women call back their power, and use that power to birth without fear, just as I did on June 21, 2017.

My message for any mama preparing for birth is, you are stronger than you know!! You have the power and strength within you, you just have to listen! Search and find the strength that was always in there!

“We can do hard things.” Glennon Doyle